Deep conversation.

Dear God,

Today is a very special day.
Today is his birthday.
Today is the first time ever I cried on someone's birthday.
But I don't mind. Just once in my life, I want this day to be remembered 'til my last breath.
Today is the day.
I know he is beside You, I know he's with You.
Please God, whatever it is, whatever he ever asked, wanted and pleaded from You that You had not or did not give to him while he was here.
From the bottom of my heart, I am pleading You to give it to him.
Even if it will take my own life.
I was already dead once. I don't mind to be dead twice.
It is something I cannot help, okay?
I don't know my destiny, but I know I'm destined to love him forevermore.
And to you my beloved, wherever you are now, happy birthday.
Eventhough I have lost all hopes, on you, I'll never lost hope.
I hope you'll get what you've always wanted.
Don't worry 'bout anything. Just take a very good care of yourself.
In our darkest hour, in my deepest despair which I'm carrying now.
In my trials, and my tribulations.
Through my doubts and frustrations.
In my violence, in my turbulence.
Through my fear and my confessions.
In my anguish and my pain.
Through my joy and my sorrow.
In the promise of another tomorrow.
I'll never let you part, for you always in my heart.

Read this, love.

Dear Love.

My world is cloudy. The sun does not appear to insist on joy and warm my heart. Why?
There are many days that my heart cries and can not leave this prison of sorrow. The pain is so much that I am breathless. It seems that nostalgia begins to take care of me, and my heart begins to shrink from pain, a hand to shake it you know? Will it kill him? I am a nightmare. I am dreaming that I stopped to see you, I gotta hear. What? Where are you? Appears now please, I can't handle this more silence. Are you there? Listen to me, please, wherever you are now. I'm begging for your presence.

Tried all life as we would find an angel. I would like to know your personality, your voice and your appearance. I can embrace it and ask you how was the sky. So find the peace I needed in my life. One day I discovered this angel. I was happy to learn that it had a name: YOU! By you, all that I know now in life-God, can be slow to show me the image of the angel, but showed me in a wonderful and true.

He is for all my life an example to follow. My source of inspiration.
I am a fan he is the only real man on Earth;
I am a fan he has a huge heart and wonderful;
I am a fan so he made the world, giving them hope;
I am a fan for his smile and happiness he gave to me;
I am a fan for his wonderful eye, the truth and purity that they envy so much. I am fan of him all that he has been and will in the world and in my life. He taught me to live. He gave me a world of dreams. He taught me to love. He showed me the sky and told me he was a star, a star that shines and inhabits the moon. A man eternal. An angel on Earth.

991.

There goes the sunshine,
Here comes the rain,
And heartache pain,
What can i do but wait for you?
Darling the days i had were cold.
Now our separate ways we go,
It seems you want more than the love i can give,
But i can't make you stay,
And you've got your life to live,
But if it gets too rough, call on me.
Dreams of golden glare,
Taking you away from here,
But if ever things that have to be turns your dreams around,
Love and understanding is what you need,
If you can't get enough, call on me.
I'm so sad you're leaving,
It's going to kill me not to be with you,
But i want you to be happy.
If heartache's what you want,
Then i want it too.
So goodbye with all my prayers,
For your happiness in a world elsewhere,
Should you arrive and it's not there, call on me.
Yes, happiness.
Waits for you elsewhere.
Remember this,
Should you arrive and it's not there,
Call on me, yes, do call on me.

See i just can’t find the right thing to say,
I tried but all my pain gets in the way,
Tell me what i have to do so you’ll stay,
Should i get down on my knees and pray?
And how can i stop losing you,
How can i begin to say,
When there’s nothing left to do but walk away.
I close my eyes,
Just to try and see you smile one more time,
But it’s been so long now and all i do is cry,
Can’t we find some love to take this away?
Because the pain gets stronger every day.
How can i begin again,
How am i to understand.
See now why all my dreams been broken,
I don’t know where we’re going,
Everything we said and all we done now,
Don’t let go, don’t know where we’re going.
Everything begins to set us free,
Can’t you see? I don’t wanna walk away.
If you go i won’t forget you,
Can’t you see that you will always be,
Even though i had to let you go,
There’s nothing left to do.

Like a comet blazing across the evening sky,
Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye,
Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright here one day,
gone one night.
Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon,
Like a castle built upon a sandy beach,
Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach,
Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight here one day,
gone one day.
Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon,
you're gone too soon.

Rindu?

Aku tidak dapat melelapkan mata sepanjang malam. Aku tak tahu punca sebenarnya. Badan aku yang gemuk ni memang absofuckinglutelately penat yang teramat tapi mata aku yang tak kenal erti penat agaknya. Dah la hari Sabtu memang hari yang paling sibuk di dunia aku yang makin suram ni, boleh pulak mata buat hal. Haish. Apa yang aku tahu, aku sangat rindukan dia. Yes dia. Hanya dengan kehadiran dia yang boleh buat dunia aku kembali tersenyum riang. Tapi itu sesuatu yang sangat2 tak mungkin akan berlaku dan aku pasrah dengan ketentuan-Nya. Kadang2 aku rasa aku dah tak boleh nak masukkan input tentang apa2 cerita tentang dia ke dalam benakku. Sesungguhnya aku tak dapat menerima hakikat sehingga kini dan cerita2 tentangnya cuma menambahkan kepedihan di hati. Namun aku hanyalah manusia biasa yang ada rasa curios lalu aku gagahkan juga diri demi memenuhi kehendak hati.

time: approximately 2.00am

habis online.

time: 2.30am

siap2 nak tidur. baring golek2 atas katil.

time: 3.30am

masih terkial2 kasi mata tidur.

time: 4.30am

cacing perut berbunyi2 minta makanan sebab tak dinner tadi.

time: 5.30am

dah tak tahan dan terus ke dapur. hanya makan 2 keping roti bakar dan segelas susu suam.

time: 5.53am

naik ke bilik dan cuba melelapkan mata namun cubaan terakhir juga gagal.

time: 9.00am

tengok tv jap. bersiap untuk menghadapi hari sibuk.

time: 1.55pm

hampir 5 jam melawan rasa ngantuk di studio. akhirnya terlelap di kerusi bos.

time: 2.05pm

terjaga setelah habis saja kelas gitar.

time: 3.00pm

lunch time. nasi paprik & milo ais.

time: 3.30 - 6.00pm

tengok persembahan live band. bosan gila. tapi pakcik yang mengetuai live band tu sebijik macam Slash bekas gitaris Gun N Roses. LOL.

time: 6.15pm

abah suruh turun bawah join makan2. kenyang makan nasi pun belum hilang lagi dah kena paksa makan lagi. sabar je la. aku setuju je sebab abah nak belanja. hahaha. aku order Chick-A-Licious with black pepper sauce. kalau ambik mushroom sauce tak mencabar arr. black pepper pun memang kesukaan haku. hoho.

time: 6.40pm

gila kekenyangan...burppp.. tak habis pun. siyes lama gila nak habiskan sampai tinggal aku sorang je pemakan kat situ. aku suruh bungkus je baki chicken wing tak berusik. on the way naik atas, dengan rela hatinya aku dermakan chicken wing tersebut kepada seorang kakak. tapi pepsi aku bawa. LOL.

time: 7.02pm

sampai rumah! woohoo heavenly heaven!

Siapa cakap aku tak letih? Letih mental pun dah mencabar gila letih fizikal apatah lagi. Cuma aku tak tahu sampai kapan kerinduan dan emosi ini akan berakhir. Dalam tempoh waktu aku tak tidur tu ada sesuatu yang aku lakukan. Aku menyelami dan mendalami emosi2 aku melalui setiap emosi yang disampaikannya. Dia berhasil membuat aku tersenyum, menangis, gembira, sedih, tersenyum dalam tangisan, tersedu dan tersedan, bertenaga hingga diri menjadi terlalu taksub dan membuat aku rasa dia sentiasa berada di samping aku bagi menandakan aku tidak keseorangan. Tapi aku akui kalau aku taksub, ia salah aku kerana tidak dapat mengawal perasaan. Namun itulah emosi2 yang aku alami ketika bergabung bersama emosinya. Kata pepatah, kita hanya benar2 terkesan dengan kehilangan seseorang apabila orang tersebut dah takde di samping kita. Yea, memang sangat benar pepatah mengungkapkannya. Bila dia sentiasa berada bersama kita sama ada di luar batas kesedaran kita atau tak, their presence seems just usually normal. Tapi bila dia dah tinggalkan kita buat selama2nya, masa tu la baru kita sedar betapa pentingnya dia buat kita. Ini selalu terjadi dalam kehidupan kerana ia lumrah alam. Nak menangis air mata darah sekalipun, kalau dia takkan kembali ke sisi kita, ianya sia2 sahaja. Lepas tu kita mula berjanji terhadap diri sendiri yang kita takkan ulang kesilapan this and that yang mengakibatkan kita kehilangan dia. Atau janji kedua yang sering diungkapkan iaitu berjanji takkan mengulangi kesilapan dengan start menghargai orang2 yang berada di sekeliling kita tak kisahlah dia begitu penting, setengah penting atau tak penting langsung. Aku dah kehilangan 2 orang yang sangat aku sayangi di dunia ni dan aku memilih janji yang kedua. Aku tak tahu. Aku bingung. Why do i listen to songs that make me cry? Even better question, why do i listen to songs that make me miss you?

Cikgu perempuan yang beli piano Victor berharga 3700 bugs hari tu dah setuju nak trade in piano Apollo yang abah baru masuk stok dengan harga 6000 bugs. Kayo beb!!! Tapi tambah 1300 bugs je lagi. But it's still MONEY! KA-CHING! @_@
Apa2 pun aku berhasil cilok 50 bugs tanpa pengetahuan Kak Mira! Haha! Thanks abah! ;)
Anyway, gambar2 ada tapi tak dapat nak masuk sebab handphone murahan aku problem. Dasar murahan! Arghh!!! Bila la nak dapat handphone baru. ;(